by Basil Okoh
Nigeria is a hilariously crazy country. On Tuesday May 12, 2021, the presidential spokesman Garba Shehu admitted that yes, indeed burglars or gunmen (whichever you choose) did burgle the home of the Chief of Staff right next to the official residence of the President of Nigeria at the Presidential Palace. No, we are not joking, the Presidential Spokesman admitted but refused to say whether the unwanted visitors were gunmen or just old fashioned burglars.
How in the name of security budgets did they get there, you ask? No one will ever know. And the rest ungrateful citizens have been crying of insecurity across the nation, when a gang of burglars can just walk into the Presidential Palace and take whatever they want. Including em em, the unthinkable.
Now that we think about it, how did they accomplish such operation in the presence of a Brigade of Guards, the elite corps of the SSS and the Police. So easily and undetected right at the seat of Presidential power?
Was the operation carried out by the dreaded Boko Haram regiment of the Nigeria Army to assure us of the success of their superior training and integration into the Nigeria Army?
Or was it done by the military wing of IPOB, called ESN, to show their reach into the most secret redoubts of Nigerian security and their capacity to inflict retaliatory pain on the highest personalities in Government as warned by Nnamdi Kanu?
Or more probably by Sunday Igboho and his Oduduwa Military Vanguard who have boasted of their ability to infiltrate houses without going through the doors? Who among these armed irritants is responsible for violating our Presidential Palace, causing so much shame to our much vaunted internal security?
My inner mind tells me that this dastardly crime was carried out by Sunday Igboho. After all he is the one with the uncanny ability to get in and out of buildings without going through the doors. He is the one. Efforts must be made to get him before he takes to Plan B as instructed by his Yoruba Pastor. Don’t trust these Yorubas with the dangerous amulets that even their pastors recommend.
But my better sense points to the ESN. They are the ones fronting for the loquacious Nnamdi Kanu and they have been carrying a grudge for more than fifty years over Biafara. What wouldn’t they do to get even with the Nigerian State even after what they did to the ears of our President at Obinze in 1968. Won’t put this affront past these police raiding Biafrans.
But I know that most people have made up their minds that Boko Haram is culpable. And it’s only because we integrated them into the army and fed them so well that now they want to make Aso Villa the headquarters of their Caliphate and have access to all the good food there.
The man who should investigate this condemnable crime, put the noxious matter to rest by fishing out the culprits in this tale of shame, is the Inspector General of the Nigeria Police. He is himself in a shameful quandary.
As we write, he is a stateless person taking refuge in Nigeria, albeit with a fancy title of Inspector General of Nigeria Police. Usman Alkali Baba is a native of Geidam which was formerly in Yobe State, Northeastern Nigeria. But Geidam has been seized by Boko Haram terrorists after sacking the Nigeria Army stationed there to secure the town and it’s people. So Geidam is no longer part of the Nigerian nation, being now effectively in the Caliphate of Boko Haram.
The terrorists on taking charge, gifted each home with N20,000 as a welcome pack to the Caliphate and has now settled in to impose it’s taxes on every agricultural product, VAT included. There will be no democracy and the laws are quite simple to understand. You step out of line or disobey an order, you get a bullet to the head. Simple. There are no Prisons and no one has the time for that.
Reports say the citizens are quite happy with the situation and confident in the security that Boko Haram provides. They feel better secured than in their time as citizens of Nigeria. Many Christian heads have been chopped off but the remaining people have come to terms with the Caliphate.
So while we wait to know whodunit at Aso Villa, we welcome the hilarity of the tempestuous times.
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- “Tinubu is the first real politician to become Nigeria’s president” – Ex-PDP chieftain
